End of an era

Ben turns 10 tomorrow. I have been feeling the weight of this birthday more than any other, even Jake turning 13 did not have the feeling of passage like this one. My youngest in double digits.

It feels like things will never be the same, that now the time will pass in a bigger blur, that no matter how many frames of time I steal with my camera, I will never freeze it again, won't even slow it down.

His whole life will pass in these double digits, everything that is going to happen to him starts now. To all three of them, teen years, 20's, 30's, dating, marriage, children, jobs, pets, college, houses and cars and vacations and accomplishments and failures, all those things that make up a life. 40's and 50's and slowing down, losing grandparents and then parents, 60's and 70's, maybe even 80's. All in decade chunks, all capsuled and neat and clipped off. His first chunk of time is gone.

Changes

This was his idea...

I saw this kid, Ezra Miller, and loved his haircut.
Showed it to Jake and he liked it-or rather he was tired
of the tangles...and agreed to try this.
I think I got pretty close!

Alone and not Blue

I have the anti-blues today.

I woke up early. I had Vault and pizza rolls for breakfast. I am awaiting a girlie movie from Netflix. I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen and poked around with the laundry. The house is clean enough for my peace of mind. With 6 kids coming for a sleep-over tomorrow, I hardly think a good scrubbing will even be noticed and it will just have to be done again afterward!

The kids are all at Cathy's, Matt is at work. He took my van so he could get a bike at lunch and the kids after work, so I have the Volvo with the sun roof and loud radio. I am thinking of a photo montage at the Huntsville Museum of Art entitled: With neither the time nor the inclination to stop, I took these through the sun roof. A shed, an old-fashioned gas pump, a tree swathed in kudzu, a cow tipped at a 30 degree angle with a blurry barn in the back, the cow calmly chewing some cud.

This time of year, I feel invincible. The weather is not hot or cold, the sun is high and the sky is clear. Leaves are changing and falling, the wind is just breezy enough to inspire ass-moving to keep from getting chilly. It's not a lethargic season-and yet the day ends with a door-slamming suddeness. It's black by 6, feeling like the middle of the night. I get lulled into sleeping like a log and waking early-the sun already full and bright. It's a time of potential.

I filled out financial aid applications for the local community college this morning. I barely made a dent in the college life before opting to be a mama. So much in that one sentence, so many hours and decisions, and yet in the end-that simple. I was made to be Jake's mom, to have Channa with the freckles and the brain that surpassed my own probably by age 5 and Ben with his dimples and crabby mornings and turtle love. Jake with his visions of being the hero, though Chandler was dressed as a pioneer for Halloween, he told everyone she was 'a grateful citizen' who followed him around. She punched him. I love being mama.

But days like this-though far between-when it's just me and a few cats and a house that hardly needs to be messed with, I wonder what happens after this phase. For the first time in years, I feel like I can plan for the next phase and not just wait to see what happens, how things work out. A proactive life again. hmmmm

November 1

Matt and I headed out for a few hours to do some hiking/photoing/geocaching on the 1st.
We had no destination in mind, so I drove us toward the lake, looking for leaves. We stopped at the dam on 'our side' and then used Nuvi to get us around to the other side and we hiked a lovely trail to a small cliff and found another geocache and started for home. We had dinner at Taco Bell, sitting in the parking lot so I could listen to This American Life.

It was a great day, I really enjoyed the alone time with my honey.