Ben was totally unplanned, we had our prince and princess and were content being a family of 4. Everything in the world is pre-priced and pre-packaged for a family of 4, that one extra kid throws everything off balance, restaurant tables nearly all seat 4, ticket packages are often 'a family 4-pack', a hotel room sleeps...4. Even cars assume 2 adult butts in front and 2 kid butts in back, even with a seat made for three, that middle seat is tiny and uncomfortable. I know, I was the youngest of 3.
When I found out I was pregnant, I came out of the bathroom with the stick. Matt was on the foot of the bed, eyes wide, Jake on one side, Chan on the other. I showed him the plus sign the same way I would have shakily pointed out a huge snake in the corner of the room. Move slowly, don't startle it. LOL
I was not thrilled. It took a couple weeks to warm up to the idea, Chan was a very difficult baby and she was just-at 13 months-starting to get easier to deal with. After a nightmare run of colic with her, difficultly breastfeeding, dealing with her seeming to hate me as she would scream like I just pinched her if I tried to hold her for more than strictly needed for maintainance purposes. She screamed in the car, at the store, if we visited anyone, if anyone came over. She was happy only in her swing or with her Daddy. And, I was having another one.
I had a very difficult pregnancy, I was sick more than the first 2 times, Chan was in therapy several times a week, both at home and at the center in Cullman. At 18 months, she had stopped talking, making eye contact, reaching for things. She spent her days lining up toys according to size or color or shape. WOE to you if you messed up the line. She was an avid computer user, she could type 3-4 word commands into games. She was freaky good at the games that had letters or numbers that popped up on screen and you popped them by hitting that key on the keyboard.
I had Benjamin Cade on December 1st, he was not due until the 15th, his original due date was Christmas Day and that was changed after a couple ultrasounds. I had eclampsia and my blood pressure was through the roof, I had several seizures after he was born, I don't recall ANY of the experience, I was hooked up to a dozen different things and would throw up (then, just dry heave) if I even turned my head-meds make me sick. He was 5.10 and 17 inches long. He was so small!
They kept bringing him to me and he was SO heavy, I had to keep sending him back, I was so weak from the induction and the magnesium. I remember talking crazy, things like telling HUGE lies about stupid things, having a fondness for white rats was one of them. I still can't figure where that came from. The nurse looked at my chart and told me point-blank to stop having babies.
I got off the antidepressants a few months after Ben was born, I had to stay on them until they all decided I was not going to have PPD again.
After he was born, everything I was worried about-Chan being autistic, Ben being a colicky baby-it all just...wasn't an issue. Chan started talking, stopped being a pill. She did things like colored Ben's eyelids with a marker-in fact, she poked his eyes quite a bit. LOL He would blink ALL the time when she was around, so he could both keep an eye on her and keep his eyes shut. By the time he could sit up well, he was her pet. When he turned 4, she told me she would take over his education from here on.
Ben has been like a balm, his very presence still makes Chan light up. I called him our 'cherry on top' for years. Dull vanilla mama and daddy base, Chan's the chocolate syrup, so dark and delicious. Jake is the whipped cream, all light and sweet and Ben is the cherry, the perfect topping, round and sweet and cheerful. He, like his brother and his sister, has brought me more joy than I could ever have imagined, I love him so much, I can't believe I ever wasted a second worrying about a family of 5 in a world designed for 4. We've made our own world and I am so proud to be the mother of three.
